Why Your Child Pushes You Away When They Need You Most — Corien Boers

One of the hardest parts of parenting is watching your child suffer while feeling powerless to help.

Maybe they're shutting you out.

Maybe they won't talk.

Maybe every attempt to get closer seems to push them further away.

In those moments, it's easy to wonder if you're doing something wrong.

But what if your child's distance isn't a sign that they don't need you?

What if it's actually a sign that they need you more than ever?

In this episode of Compassionate Heart Parenting, Michelle speaks with Emotionally Focused Family Therapist Corien Boers about what happens to the parent-child relationship during times of intense emotional distress. Drawing from years of working with families navigating eating disorders, Corien explains why fear often drives both parents and children into patterns of disconnection—and how those patterns can be gently transformed.

If you'd rather listen, you can tune into the podcast here:

🎧 Compassionate Heart Parenting

https://www.buzzsprout.com/2358099

▶️ You can also watch the full interview below.

When Your Child Seems Emotionally Unreachable

Parents often describe a heartbreaking experience.

Their child begins withdrawing.

They stop talking.

They reject help.

They hide what's really happening.

No matter how much love the parent offers, it feels like nothing gets through.

Corien explains that this creates what Emotionally Focused Therapy calls attachment panic.

At its core, attachment panic is the overwhelming fear of losing someone you love.

For parents, it isn't simply frustration.

It's a deep biological alarm that says:

"My child is slipping away, and I don't know how to reach them."

Understanding this changes the conversation from blaming parents to helping them understand what their nervous system is doing.

Why Fear Often Looks Like Control

Attachment panic doesn't usually look like fear on the outside.

Instead, it often appears as:

• becoming more controlling

• setting increasingly rigid rules

• constantly checking on a child

• trying to solve every problem immediately

• becoming frustrated or reactive

These responses make sense.

When our nervous system feels threatened, flexibility disappears.

As Corien explains, we can't stay in survival mode and think clearly at the same time.

Parents aren't choosing rigidity.

They're responding to fear.

Your Child May Be Protecting Themselves Too

While parents are caught in survival mode, children often are as well.

Many children struggling emotionally already carry intense self-criticism and shame.

When they sense fear or urgency from their parents, they may experience it as pressure—even when their parents are acting entirely out of love.

Instead of feeling understood, they may withdraw further.

Not because they don't love their parents.

Because they don't yet have the words—or emotional safety—to express what's happening inside.

This creates a painful cycle.

The more parents pursue connection through control, the more children retreat.

The more children retreat, the more frightened parents become.

The Pattern Isn't the Problem—It's the Fear Beneath It

One of the most comforting ideas Corien shares is that parents often respond differently on the outside, but they're carrying remarkably similar feelings underneath.

Some parents become anxious.

Some become strict.

Some become overly accommodating.

Some shut down completely.

These are different survival strategies, but they usually grow from the same place:

Love.

Fear.

Helplessness.

Recognizing this allows parents to stop judging themselves and begin understanding themselves.

That understanding creates room for change.

Healing Begins With the Parents

Before parents can help their child feel emotionally safe, they often need someone to help them feel emotionally safe.

Corien explains that one of the first goals in therapy is helping parents reconnect with each other.

Rather than blaming one another for responding differently, they begin recognizing that both of them are scared.

When couples move from criticism to compassion, something shifts.

Instead of becoming opponents, they become teammates.

That emotional connection lowers their own nervous system's alarm response, making it easier to respond thoughtfully to their child.

Children Notice More Than We Think

One powerful reminder from this conversation is that every child in the family feels the emotional climate at home.

Even siblings who seem unaffected are paying attention.

Children notice tension.

They notice fear.

They notice conflict.

They also notice repair.

When parents support one another through difficult moments, children experience something deeply reassuring:

"We're in this together."

That sense of security helps every member of the family—not only the child who is struggling most.

Connection Is Stronger Than Perfection

Parents often worry they'll say the wrong thing.

Corien offers a reassuring perspective.

Children don't need perfect words.

They need emotionally available parents.

Parents who can pause.

Listen.

Stay present.

And communicate,

"I'm here with you."

Those moments of connection gradually become the foundation for healing.

A Reflection

If your child seems to be pushing you away right now, remember this:

Distance doesn't always mean rejection.

Sometimes it reflects fear.

Sometimes it reflects shame.

Sometimes it reflects emotions that are simply too overwhelming to express.

Your steady presence may matter far more than you realize.

Even when your child can't show it yet.

🎧 If you'd like to listen to this specific episode directly, you can find it here:

https://www.buzzsprout.com/2358099/episodes/19468320

The light in me sees the light in you.

Be well.