Your Child Isn't Misbehaving — Their Nervous System Doesn't Feel Safe — Joss Goulden on Aware Parenting

When your child argues, shuts down, refuses to cooperate, lashes out, or melts down over something that seems small, it can look like misbehavior.

It can feel disrespectful.

And in the moment, it's easy to think:

They know better. Why are they acting like this?

But what if the behavior isn't really the problem?

In this episode of Compassionate Heart Parenting, Michelle talks with Aware Parenting instructor Joss Goulden about what may be happening underneath difficult behavior.

Instead of seeing a child as naughty or deliberately giving you a hard time, Joss invites parents to consider another possibility:

Their nervous system may be responding as though they aren't safe.

Understanding that doesn't mean allowing unsafe or hurtful behavior. It gives us a different place to begin—with curiosity, connection, and an attempt to understand what our child needs.

If you'd rather listen, you can tune into the podcast here:

🎧 Compassionate Heart Parenting

▶️ You can also watch the full interview below.

When Your Child Shuts Down, Start With Yourself

When children pull away, parents often feel an immediate urge to get them back.

We worry.

We ask questions.

We imagine what might be wrong.

We may even start wondering what their withdrawal means about our relationship or their future.

Joss says there are two things to consider in these moments:

What's happening inside the parent?

And:

What does the child need right now?

Our child's withdrawal can activate fear, worry, or even painful experiences from our own childhood.

If we can notice and tend to those feelings elsewhere, we may be able to return to our child without the same emotional charge.

Instead of urgently trying to make them talk, we can communicate something much simpler:

I'm here.

I care about you.

You can come to me when you're ready.

Your Child May Need Connection Without Questions

Sometimes connection doesn't begin with a conversation.

If your child has disappeared into their room, repeatedly asking, "What's wrong?" may only make them retreat further.

Joss suggests finding gentle ways to reach for them.

Maybe you slide a silly note under their door.

Bring them a snack.

Invite a little playfulness into the moment.

Or simply let them know you're nearby.

The goal isn't to force disclosure.

It's to help your child experience you as safe and available.

That sense of connection may eventually make it easier for them to share what's happening.

Difficult Behavior Can Be a Stress Response

One of the most important shifts in this conversation is moving away from seeing difficult behavior as deliberate misbehavior.

When children are angry, argumentative, defiant, or physically aggressive, Joss describes these behaviors as possible signs of a fight-or-flight response.

When they're zoned out, withdrawn, or disconnected, they may instead be experiencing a freeze response.

Both can reflect stress.

In those moments, their nervous system may be responding as though something isn't safe.

That changes the question.

Instead of:

How do I stop this behavior?

We can ask:

How can I bring more safety and connection into this moment?

Safety Comes Before the Lesson

When children behave in ways we don't like, we're often quick to teach.

"You can't talk to me like that."

"That was disrespectful."

"You know better."

Sometimes guidance absolutely is needed.

But timing matters.

If your child is already overwhelmed, a lecture may not be something they can take in.

Joss explains that anger, criticism, shame, and advice can make it harder for a stressed child to settle.

Connection can help create the safety they need first.

Then, once everyone is calmer, there may be room for conversation, guidance, or problem-solving.

Become a Detective Instead of a Judge

Aware Parenting begins with a deep trust that children are not inherently trying to be difficult.

Joss describes children as naturally kind, loving, cooperative, curious, compassionate, and creative.

When they're behaving in ways that don't reflect those qualities, she encourages parents to become detectives.

What might be getting in the way right now?

She identifies three areas to explore:

1. Does My Child Need More Information?

Adults sometimes assume children understand more than they actually do.

Maybe you've explained something before.

But your child may not remember.

They may not understand how the same expectation applies in a different situation.

Or they may be so absorbed in something else that the information simply isn't available to them in that moment.

Sometimes a reminder or a little help is all that's needed.

2. Is There an Unmet Need?

Children have legitimate needs for connection, autonomy, choice, attention, and more.

When those needs aren't being met, behavior can change.

For example, a child who spends the entire school day being told what to do may come home with a strong need for autonomy.

Giving them small opportunities for choice can help.

"Would you like the red socks or the blue ones?"

"Do you want your toast cut into squares or diamonds?"

These choices may seem tiny to us.

But to a child who has felt powerless all day, they can matter.

3. Are They Carrying Accumulated Feelings?

Sometimes there isn't one enormous event behind your child's meltdown.

It's everything.

They slept badly.

They couldn't find their favorite toy.

They argued with their sibling.

Their friend didn't want to play with them.

Their teacher was frustrated.

Then they came home and something tiny happened.

And suddenly, they exploded.

Joss compares it to winding up a toy again and again until eventually it pops.

Those everyday stresses accumulate.

Children may then need more connection, play, and space to express what they've been carrying.

Play Can Help Rebuild Safety

Play is a major part of Joss's approach.

And it isn't only for toddlers.

She explains that children of all ages—including her own adult children—can connect through play.

For younger children, it may be silly games, rough-and-tumble play, or letting them lead an activity.

For older children, it might look different.

A game.

A joke.

Physical affection when welcomed.

Watching something together.

Or simply letting them choose what you do during a short period of undivided attention.

Joss recommends periods of non-directive, child-centered play where the child chooses what to do and the parent gives them their full attention without distractions.

The activity isn't necessarily the important part.

The message underneath it is:

I enjoy being with you.

What If You Don't Feel Like Playing?

Sometimes you know connection would help.

You know play might help.

And you absolutely do not want to play.

Joss says that's normal.

Parents are tired.

Overwhelmed.

Stressed.

And many adults weren't played with this way when they were children, so playfulness may not come naturally.

Rather than forcing yourself, Joss encourages parents to check their own capacity.

Maybe what you need first is five quiet minutes.

A cup of tea.

Some fresh air.

A chance to breathe.

Caring for your own nervous system isn't separate from caring for your child.

It helps create the capacity you'll need to reconnect later.

Parents Need Somewhere for Their Feelings Too

Children aren't the only ones carrying feelings.

Parents need places where they can be frustrated, scared, angry, overwhelmed, or unsure without putting those feelings onto their children.

Joss talks about having a listening partner: another adult who listens without judging, fixing, or immediately offering advice.

Sometimes parents need somewhere they can say:

"My child is driving me crazy today."

And have someone understand that frustration can exist alongside enormous love.

When parents have somewhere safe for their own feelings, they're often better able to create that same kind of space for their children.

You Will Still Get It Wrong Sometimes

Understanding your child's nervous system doesn't mean you'll always respond calmly.

Sometimes you'll yell.

Sometimes you'll criticize.

Sometimes you'll realize afterward that you weren't the parent you wanted to be in that moment.

Joss reminds parents that repair matters.

You can return and say:

"I'm sorry I shouted."

"That wasn't how I wanted to respond."

"You didn't deserve to be blamed for my big feelings."

Repair doesn't require pretending the rupture never happened.

It shows children that relationships can survive mistakes.

It also models what a genuine apology looks like.

Your Child Isn't Giving You a Hard Time

When your child's behavior becomes difficult, it's easy to focus entirely on what you can see.

The yelling.

The refusal.

The slammed door.

The argument.

The shutdown.

But behavior is only the visible part.

Underneath it may be stress.

Fear.

An unmet need.

A desire for autonomy.

Accumulated emotion.

Or simply a nervous system that doesn't feel safe enough yet to settle.

You won't always know exactly what's underneath.

You don't have to.

Start with curiosity.

Bring warmth.

Create connection where you can.

Give yourself support too.

And remember that sometimes what looks like misbehavior is a child showing you, in the only way they can in that moment:

I'm having a hard time. I need help finding my way back to safety.

🎧 Listen to the full episode:

https://www.buzzsprout.com/2358099/episodes/19855099

The light in me sees the light in you.

Be well.